Sunday, February 5, 2017


Unworthy is probably what my cousin thought he was before he tightened the noose around his neck.

A staunch advocate of fairness , I would immediately discard any view that the youngest child is the most loved .
My parents themselves instilled this in me , though sometimes I would think my brother did receive more affection thanks to an illness , not terminal.

It is now, that I realize people like him more because of his nature .
He analyses less , talks normally to most and when angry does not respond.

I am far less developed , letting the heat in my head guide me many times .
 The prospects of the future are also bigger in my head , whereas my brother is quite steadfast .
On the outlier it might appear that he did not plan anything , but both of us are fairly where we wanted to be , planned or unplanned.

I have a lot of cousins , but not in touch with most. Moving from one place to another , our nuclear family was all that we had .  We would've been friends with our cousins , but mostly our ideologies did not match.
We were brought up in different worlds , our conversations would be about Dexter's Labratory and Backstreet boys and theres would be something different . I am sure they were thinking the same about us :)
In these times , it was always "us" against or Vs them .

And then there was this other set of cousins . Just like us , not living with the rest of the brethren .
They were easier to relate to , spoke a similar language, had similar mannerisms.

Among this set was my youngest cousin . Who, younger than my brother , was obviously always a baby for me . All my notions of fairness would go kaput when I would think of these babies .
One near to me , the other far .

Its been a year since the youngest cousin passed away.

All I could think of that time was maybe I could not show him all the love .
That he thought that we were unworthy of his presence here .
If only he had someone to talk to , I would not be writing this post.
In his death , I feel the rejection which he might've felt when deciding on it.

It's been a year since he has moved on , and all I can think is that how many times I have let go of people without making them feel their worth.

Death is a surprise when it is not expected and some deaths teach us how unworthy we are all for not treasuring each other.

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